WHO AM I?

Actually I dont know how to start off. I cant tell exactly what's bothering me,

just that things aint exactly too good between me and bf. There's nothing

technically wrong abt the whole thing, maybe I am the reason why something

seems wrong. Everytime ppl ask me if i still felt love or being loved. I seriously

did ask myself that question and I thought to myself, the answer is YES. But

somehow something keep tugging me at the end of my mind, with this thorn

in the flesh there is no way i can feel thoroughly happy and blissed. True, we

do have happy moments, but i always felt that they are so short-lived.

Everything something happens, you forget all those smiles and laughters

when you are happy.

There are times when I cant help but wonder, what will life be like if I

was without him, if our relationship was just to end. I dont know actually,

but I feel a sense of numb sadness in me when I imagine he was not there

anymore. No one to take my shit, no one to be there, just standing there

when I dont feel like talking abt it. But I know ultimately, no one will die

literally because someone left.

Nevertheless, is it worth keeping the relationship if there are so many times

you feel so drained and tired? Is the relationship a too heavy one? Are there

too many scars from the relationship that it is better off that we both walk

away to start afresh?

Like I said, there is nothing technically wrong. But it is difficult and straineous

to carry upon someone else's load on top of my already heavy one. It was

bearable in the beginning, but as time goes by, things happen, scars are

inevitable.

People say, 'Do be careful of what you wish for'.

Many years ago I wished that he was better off in his career: It came

true, but gone was his attentiveness, in came his short-tempered-ness.

Some years ago, I wished that he was more independent: It came true,

but gone was his willingness to listen and to discuss issues, in came his

'acting-on-his-own'.

Yet some more time ago, I wished that he could have more plans for his or

maybe even our future: It came true, he went to take his Diploma,

but gone was our connection, in came a big gap between us.

Many years ago, some one said to me, " Your expectations are too high for him,

did it even occur to you that it is gonna create alot of stress for him and alot of

strain on the relationship?"

It haunts me till today. Now that I think back, I think what he said is true.

Some time ago, some one said to me," Maybe this is not the way he wants life to

be, different people want different things. You need plans, power and have high

expectations abt life, but maybe he needs something lesser. Maybe all he wants

is a simple life, a wife, two kids, a normal, 'enough-to-support-family' kinda income."

Perhap its because of me, because of my own desire, my own expectations. I was

thinking, when did this begin? When did it started that we no longer laugh over

silly matters? When did it started that we stopped feeling happy abt things we felt

happy abt intitially? When did it started that we no longer talk abt love and all

we talk abt is practical, realistic and un-happy stuff?

Then I asked myself, did I changed into some one I didnt even recognised? Is

that parts and parcels of my life? When did I become so revengeful?

Before I entered NUS, I always thought uni people have a certain way they

think abt themselves, a certain attitude. Some even said that uni people are

very arrogant, but deep down they lose out in the corporate world, because

they have no experience and are not at all humble.

That day I knew that I was part of NUS, I sweared to myself that I will not

become one of 'those'.

But today I asked myself again, Did I become one of them?

How do I define it?

Traits of a NUS student ( Of cos it doesnt mean every single one and these

purely represent my personal views):

• Simply swell-headed

• Confident/over-confident

• Believes strongly in their own views & what they say is important, even when sometimes its simply crap

• Talk abt clubs,societies & committees as if they rule

• Selfish, ultimately you hope that the other person wakes up late or forget abt the examinations

Maybe I have become one of them. I dont know.

Some one once told me," Girls study so much for what? The duty of a wife

is to take care of the husband, not to help him spend money. Study means

you spend his money."

I cant tell you how, but I was totally stung by this. Till today, I couldnt

convince myself to forgive and forget. It pierced me like a knife, but she

didnt bother to understand how important it is to me. She didnt know how

much it means to me.

Imagine how you will feel. In your entire life, everyone has looked down on

you, thinking that you are a good for nothing, one day you are gonna end up

disgracing your family honour by getting pregnant before you get married and

giving birth to a bastard. The words that come out from relatives and teachers

are dripping with sarcasm.

Finally, you did something right for once, instead of encouragement and praises,

this is what you get. Waste money.

1stly: I got a bank loan which i need to repay with my own money when i finish

my studies,, your son didnt put me thru sch.

2ndly: Although I am student, i do earn my own income, at least enough for

survival.

3rdly: What kinda fucking man will your son be, if every movie and dinner

will be paid by the girl?

4thly: What do you mean by courtship? I pay for everthing? Or we dont go

out at all? Or do we stick ourselves at home all the time like some pathetic losers?

Though this happened quite some time ago, everytime i think abt it makes

my blood boil. After this, I sorta changed. A fire raged in me that I want to

prove them wrong, my expectations abt me and abt him increased, because

I want to be better. I will not rest until I've proven myself.

It might have seem unnecessary to you, but it is important to me. Perhaps

i'm just trying to prove to myself ultimately. I didnt know that this revengeful

fire in me is destructive to myself, to him, to us.

Perhaps it was still bearable if i know he is standing on the same line as me,

perhaps if we still have that connection. Not when everytime i talk he wants

to fall asleep, mind you we are not talking on the bed. Not when everytime

I try to bring a point forward he gets defensive.

I am tried of trying. Maybe things will just work out ultimately. I dont know.

I am letting it go, to go to where the wind takes us. Other than my own life, i

cant take charge of anyone else's.